I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize