the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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