i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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