You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
