Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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