ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
