I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
