but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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