My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
