the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Can you bring me the toilet please
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
