There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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