Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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