Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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