i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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