Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
