Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
