Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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