He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Dignity is for republicans.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
