My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
