I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
