Hey man sorry I got all grabby
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm too high and old for this...
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
