i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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