Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
