My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
