I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
