PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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