He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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