mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I think I died a long time ago.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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