that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
