Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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