I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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