i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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