We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
