I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
We had to coat check the pizza.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
