Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
