Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
high people should be assigned attendants
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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