I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
