tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
