he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize