just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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