I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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