Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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