my soul wont recognize me after tonight
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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