There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
