if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
