I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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