oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
There r osticjed everywhere
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
