If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
