I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
