The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
