You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
