So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
