It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
