What a fucking waste of an outfit
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize