A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
