I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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