I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize