I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
It's official drugs can't kill me
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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