At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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