Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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