Sry I called you an 8
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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