Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
