it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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