What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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