alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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