we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
