And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
