literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
